Okay, I’m guilty, I’ve been involved in an affair off and on for years. No, I’m not quoting anyone. This is me, Jacqui, speaking.
Now before you call the Clayton Star or start the church discipline process, let me explain. It’s not what you might have thought. I have been married to my amazing husband, Jim, for 23 years. There has never been another human being who has captured my heart like he has. He is my very best friend, my confidant, and simply the finest man I know. And even if he were none of these things, I made a promise to God to remain faithful to him for the rest of my life, and I intend to keep that promise. But this past week God convicted me of another affair I’ve been stepping in and out of for 44 years. It is just as sinful, though perhaps not as visible as deserting one’s earthly spouse. I’m talking about spiritual adultery.
The Lord compares the relationship He has with the Church to a marriage. Jesus is the Groom and we are His Bride. He calls us His friends because we have placed our faith and trust in Him and we’ve made a covenant with Him. And who could be a better friend or a better spouse than the Lord Jesus? He is handsome – a feast for the eyes – and the longer we stare at Him, the more we desire Him. He is humble, a servant of all. He knows our thoughts before we think them. (What earthly husband wouldn’t love to posses that quality once in awhile?) He is never unkind or unfair. He is patient. He never goes off on a business trip, leaving us alone. He loves us so much He would die for us - He did die for us. He wrote us an amazing love letter that comes alive. We can read it over and over again, and take courage and comfort from His words. He provides for our every need, because He has access to the earth’s every resource.
But in spite of His perfection, my heart is unfaithful. I often wake up in the morning with a distracted heart, abandoning my “First Love”, and letting the things of this life become more important to me than what I have in Christ. When I allow quality time to my interests and give Him the leftovers, I am unfaithful. When I exchange real joy in Him and the “glory of the incorruptible God” for cheap substitutes, like passing over real diamonds for dollar store costume jewelry because the stones seem larger and cost less up front, I am guilty of infidelity. When my prayers are fleshly and self-gratifying, motivated by my cravings (the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life), I walk out on Him. When I pursue stuff instead of a Savior I abandon Him. I ignore His desires when I insist on bodily stimulation and fulfillment instead of service. I campaign for the worst kind of spiritual feminism when I work at making a name for myself instead of taking on His name and aiming at making that name we share – just like in a marriage – respectable. I cheat on Him when I don't do what would please Him just because I don't feel like it.
I’ve known women who simply refuse to give their husbands another chance. And yes, their husbands had monumental sins to forgive, and history to overcome. But I have nothing for which to forgive Christ, no excuse for my wandering heart. I’m Gomer, through and through (see the book of Hosea). I know I’m not alone in my unfaithfulness. The Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 7, "I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate." Frances Havergal, celebrated hymnwriter from the 1800’s, said it well when she wrote, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here’s my heart, oh take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.”
Do you ever feel the “A” burning on your chest too? Like Hester Prynne, we’re afraid to name our lovers. But the children that come from our adulterous affairs of the spirit are not ghosts. They are real, and they are unruly, out of control, and embarrassing.
The hypocrisy of looking good as a couple in public is even more maddening to the spouse who knows what really goes on at home. Ladies, we can play the part in church so well. We can raise our hands and bless our God and Father in the worship service, and two hours later go home and raise our voices in anger to the ones closest to us. James says, “This should not be.” A glance at the book of Amos lets us know what God thinks when we pretend to love Him in order to keep face, but could care less. “I hate your sacrifices,” He says to the straying nation of
Is there any hope for this wayward wife? Is there any hope for me? What did Jesus tell the woman caught in adultery? “Go and sin no more.”
So I sat down with my “marriage counselor” this morning (the Holy Spirit – who only gives wise counsel), and He cut right thru to the bottom line, saying, “You want something, but don’t get it, you kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want . You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you don’t ask God. When you ask, you don’t receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous [woman], don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? He who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think that scripture says for no reason, ‘The Spirit He causes to dwell within us envies intensely’”?
But then He went on to offer hope when He said, “But He gives us more grace. That is why scripture says, ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ " As I began to trace that grace through scripture, I discovered some wonderful truths, and a prescription for change. Here are the steps back to wholeness in my Marriage that my Counselor gave me.
1) Remember that God has a right to your heart. He purchased you, fair and square. You are engaged to Him. Our marriage to Jesus has been arranged from before the dawn of time, and He is jealous of our affections. I can recall friends in my past whose husbands were jealous when they kept in contact with their male friends from college. These men saw their wives’ relationships as potential threats to their own marriages, and rightly so. God declares that He is jealous for your heart too. Don’t give Him any reason to rise up in jealousy.
2) Confess your sins to God, and stop being defensive or trying to pretend that everything is fine. James says to Christians, “Submit yourself, then, to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Clean up your hands, you sinner, and purify your doubleminded heart. Grieve, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourself in the sight of God and He will lift you up.” (James 4)
Now I know what you’re thinking. “Surely, it’s not that bad! I mean really, mourning and wailing?” Jim and I have counseled countless couples in marital crisis. Inevitably, the straying partner will vehemently deny their affair at first, often not admitting it until they are caught. So I believe this is where it starts – with honest confession. With taking seriously my divided heart. I need to cry out to my God and ask for forgiveness where necessary. Has there ever been a truly repentant spouse who didn’t shed a few tears, hoping to be forgiven for his or her unfaithful acts?
3) Prove your resolve by spending more time with Him. Talk to Him in prayer. Read His letters to you over and over again. I remember that the constant reading of some of the lines in my husband’s and my early engaged correspondence caused those words to run through my mind throughout the day, making me love him all the more. As you meditate on Jesus’ words to you, He becomes even more precious.
4) Talk about Him with your friends. Brag about His amazing attributes, and rehearse His blessings in your life. For the past ten years I have kept a “victory notebook” where I keep a record of the answers to prayer and many of the sweet things the Lord does for me, even before I ask. It does my heart good and causes me to return and worship again when I re-read these pages. They remind me of my Lord’s love and faithfulness to me, in spite of my own unfaithfulness.
5) Find out about His interests, and learn to love them as well. Just like a young bride will sometimes do a little research into the things that please her new husband - perhaps learning an unfamiliar skill, or asking questions about one of his sports teams - so we, the Bride of Christ ought to “find out what pleases the Lord,” and begin to enjoy with Him those things that delight His heart.
6) Invest in His causes. Jesus said, “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Always be thinking of how you can expand the “family business”. Be willing to make sacrifices in this life as you invest in the life to come.
7) Spend time with other people who love Him. Fellowship is a habit that promotes love and good deeds. Iron sharpens iron. When I’m around folks who love Jesus intensely it creates a kind of healthy jealousy in me at first, and then I remember that what they have is my right too, as a member of the singular Bride of Christ.
8) Discover the beauty of pure, unadulterated love. What characterizes a couple in love? They can’t keep their eyes off of each other. Colossians 3 says we ought to “set our eyes on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.” Couples in love can’t keep their hands off each other. Remember, Jesus said “If you’ve done these things to the least of these my brothers, you’ve done them to Me.” Pour your life into others and you will be touching Jesus! Reach out and touch the elderly, the poor, the lonely, the rejected, the disabled, the broken-hearted, the young – anyone who can’t pay you back.
If you are a mother with young kids at home, they qualify too! As you care for them in the Name of Jesus, you touch Him. The more time and energy you spend on others for His sake, the more your love for Him will grow.
Jim has counseled “untouched husbands” for years. The bitterness and frustration these men feel is profound. Men were designed for physical fulfillment. And the Lord calls us to express our love to Him in a physical way as well, through other people. But He is such a gentleman. He tells us to step toward Him. “Come near to Me and I will come near to you.” He will not force Himself upon you. But He will stimulate a willing spirit in you if you ask Him to.
I don’t know about you, but I am “going back to my Husband” this month - forsaking all others - with the intention of getting to know Him better, loving Him more, thanking Him more, and serving Him more.
(And by the way, even though these tips are intended to rekindle your love for your heavenly husband, they work fairly well on your earthly one too.)
For the Sake of the Loving One,
Jacqui
